Imagine getting comfortable to watch a fun, light-hearted, and somewhat existential, crisis-provoking movie. You’re drawn into a cute, entertaining, and well-written movie.
Then suddenly you are bombarded by a belted melody with the same chorus repeated seven times.
Personally, whenever I enjoy what I think is a high quality, heart-warming children’s film and hear the first notes of what we all know to be a singular, lyrical plot point, my eyes hurt me to ride so far. in my skull.
Musicals tell a story. Movies tell a story. Musical films tell a story with completely unnecessary interruptions that make the experience unbearable. I don’t want a fucking set telling me what three lines of real dialogue can do.
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Have you ever heard of character development? Of course not, because why do that, when you can make extra profit by incorporating an entire album into a movie at the expense of other people’s suffering?
Imagine how many more jokes (or literally any other element of a film) could be squeezed into the third of the film devoted to subjecting the audience to songs that usually do nothing to advance the story in any substantial way.
Or, better yet, they could just shorten the movie. Crazy to think that you would actually want it to match your target audience’s attention span. I assure you, crying brat kids won’t care if a blonde bombshell doesn’t get another vocal moment in the sun that you have to decipher to understand.
Again, you can just say it.
That said, I would have enjoyed “Frozen” so much more if I, at 12, hadn’t been so traumatized by the “Let It Go” craze that followed. Not only did the songs become like nails on a blackboard to me, but their presence totally distracted people from the real message of the film – fuck the patriarchy.
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These are the two important reasons why we should cancel musical films – their random songs offer nothing for the cinematic experience and lull us into complacency by distracting us from focusing on real and pressing social issues.
It would be an important moment to tell you that there must be a musical film that is not destroyed in this otherwise completely necessary purge. My very valid opinion on this issue does not include the 2021 masterpiece “Encanto”.
I promise when I sat down to watch “Encanto” I knew I would have to endure at least five interrupted songs that didn’t do much to improve the movie. But I was shocked when my eyes didn’t even roll once!
Shit, “Surface Pressure” and “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” are absolute bops. And “Dos Oruguitas” playing towards the end might make two grown men toxic enough masculinity to sound a battle cry. Congratulations for once, Disney!
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But enough of my crawling. My original proposal still stands. As a hugely divided nation, we must come together to avoid any movie that forced people to endure 100 minutes of singing that decidedly doesn’t fit into the movie.
I urge you to join me on this very serious issue plaguing our country. Hollywood must be held accountable for its offensiveness and insensitivity to our times and our musical tastes. We must take a stand and resist silence in the face of this odious.
And, we’re not going to talk about how the “Encanto” soundtrack may or may not appear on my Spotify Wrapped 2022.